March 29, 2007

This News is Surge-o-Rific!

Strikes on Baghdad's Green Zone on the Rise

Insurgents have struck inside the Green Zone, which includes the U.S. Embassy, on six of the past seven days, once with deadly consequences.

It would seem John McCain is totally full of shit when he says Americans can stroll safely in parts of Baghdad. They apparently need body armor and helmets to stroll the Green Zone:

Wednesday morning, embassy personnel received a bulletin citing the "recent increase of indirect fire attacks on the embassy compound." It included strict instructions: Body armor and helmets would now be required for all "outdoor activities" within the sprawling embassy complex, even short walks to the cafeteria. There would be no group gatherings outside, including at the famed Palace Pool. No "nonessential" visitors would be allowed in the compound.

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Why AG Jeans Are A Beautiful Thing

March 28, 2007

Magnificent Bastard - Sneak Peek

In the words of Mussolini: "It is better to have lived one day as a lion than one thousand days as a sheep."

In spite of his thing for fascism, I couldn't agree more.

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Target-Proof Clothing

Over the course of the past couple of years I've developed something called the Target Rule. It's simple: once you see something at Target, never wear it again because it's by definition outgoing. It's a golden rule, really. Which is why, if you still go for embroidery and felt appliques on your shirts, they'd better be fucking bombs or weapons of some kind.

In The Bag: Burro long-sleeve T with 9MM pistol surrounded by light blue floral embroidery, via YOOX. $50.

March 26, 2007

GQ Totally Out To Lunch - Part 1

In their April issue, GQ is endorsing the skinny striped tie. Unfortunately for them that was cool three years ago. In this case do the opposite. Wide, short ties are the way you want to roll in 2007. And please, GQ, enough with the constant pimping of Band of Outsiders. Those fuckers jumped the shark two years ago at a minimum.

GQ Totally Out To Lunch - Part 2

Much more egregious than the skinny stripe tie recommendation is the one on the next page for logoed polo shirts. As a general guideline, logos are out. But I ask you, is there anything lamer than a Nautica polo shirt? Answer: No, there is nothing lamer than a Nautica polo shirt.

Kudos to GQ for One Thing

A very funny piece about what it means to cheat. One poor rationalizing bastard had this rule: "If you shoot a load in your pants, that's not cheating; if you blow your load out of your pants, that's cheating."

March 21, 2007

Director of 40 Year-Old Virgin Goin' All Chick-Flick-y On Our Ass

A great big boo and hiss to Judd Apatow, director of one of the best guy flicks this century, who's made -- based on the trailer -- what appears to be an out-and-out chick flick: Knocked Up (opening June 1).

Mitigating Factor: Nepotism can be a good thing. Apatow likes to cast his wife (Leslie Mann, pictured) -- the woman who vomited daiquiri on Steve Carell in 40YOV -- and no one in the dack.com newsroom is complaining.

March 20, 2007

Houses cheaper than cars in Detroit

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I went to the Christina Aguilera concert last night, and here's the story:

Danity Kane 0

The girls with the made-up name are essentially like watching low-rent hookers in high heels trying to sing and dance. It was so awful we had to wait outside.

Pussycat Dolls 4

If Danity Kane are hookers singing, then The Pussycat Dolls are strippers singing. Seriously, this is only one small notch above rotating on a pole somewhere.

Christina Aguilera 9

C. Aguilera has to be one of the greatest brand transformations in brand transformation history. That dirrty girl is gone and there's some kind of blond-haired Billie Holliday/Diana Ross/Madonna mutant that can really sing. Her concert is like watching a highly-produced Broadway show, except it doesn't suck. By my count there were 11 costume changes, 9 big-band members, 8 freaky-good dancers, 3 backup singers ... which added up to one very good show.

March 19, 2007

The weblog has been a little slack lately because I've been working on a site design for the forthcoming men's weblog (mlog?) at www.magnificentbastard.com. I've been working with John Mamus, currently the creative director at Fila, and it's been a fun process.

I'm not sure when The Bastard will launch, but it will be Magnificent.

March 15, 2007

In The Bag:

Green Adidas Halfshells, via YOOX. $70.00.

And also In The Bag:

Kowalski sneakers, via YOOX. $90.00.

March 14, 2007

So I'm watching my second-favorite TV show -- The Real Housewives of Orange County -- and see an ad for the dating service eharmony. Their "Personality Profile" is the selling point, and the ad cited a guy who likes to watch football on Monday nights and how lucky he was to find a *woman* who likes to watch football on Monday nights.

Lemme just say, this sounds like the dumbest goddamn idea in the history of man-woman relations. Do you *really* want to watch Monday Night Football with your wife? I'll answer that question for you: Hell no! You want to watch Monday Night Football with your mates, chugging beer and screaming obscenities at the TV in between ogling younger, thong-wearing women damn near 20 years your junior.

To eharmony and anyone else who wants a long-term, successful, loving relationship: SEPARATE INTERESTS is the key. You like golf; she's never picked up a golf club in her life. She does yoga; you can't even sit Indian style without rushing to Urgent Care. You like LCD Soundsystem; she likes Nora Jones. You get the idea. This, dear readers, is the secret to true love. And if not true love, at least a relationship that doesn't require hospitalization.

March 12, 2007

Amateur Hour at the Washington Post

The Washington Post is making a big deal of their "Beer Madness" contest. Hellooooo! dack.com did this six years ago, with a.) a better name ("The Sauced 16") and b.) a methodology that makes sense. We tested one beer style against another; the WaPo is mixing microbrews and macrobrews, lagers and ales and even Belgian whites all together, for a series of utterly meaningless matchups. PBR vs. Redhook ESB?! They shoulda just tested apples vs. oranges.

($100 says the dack.com drinking team could drink the WaPo drinking team under the table. Before dinner.)

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Opening for Christina Aguilera next Monday night: The fucking Pussycat Dolls!

March 9, 2007

Before you even pop the Borat! DVD into the player, you're hit with the funny. (Though not quite as funny as Borat masturbating in front of the window display at Victoria's Secret in midtown Manhattan.)

"Box quote" from local Kazakh moviefilm critic.

Borat DVD, pirated straight from Kazakhstan.

March 7, 2007

The Official Extreme Schadenfreude Poster Boys

March 6, 2007

dack.com Department of Apologies

A couple of weeks ago I claimed one of the fellas from a "mag crew" sold me a subscription to Maxim, took my cash and spent it on drugs and hookers. Well, lo and behold, today in the mail, 6 months after I placed the order, my first issue of Maxim arrived. Of course, it's addressed to "Pack Ragus." Still I owe an apology. So mag crew guy, if you're out there, I'm sorry.

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On the cover of said Maxim is an almost-totally-naked Christina Aguilera.

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And here's another beautiful pair:

Owner's suite, bitches!

March 5, 2007

The cockles of my heart were set ablaze over the weekend after reading this in the Financial Times:

Yellow ribbons dwindle with war support

...as support for the war fades, demand for yellow ribbons has collapsed.

Magnet America, the largest manufacturer of the product, has seen sales fall from a peak of 1.2m in August 2004 to about 4,000 a month and now has an unsold stockpile of about 1m magnets.

"We have enough supplies to meet demand for years to come," said Micah Pattisall, director of operations. "Every product has a lifespan and this one has run its course."

Ha! I swear I see more ironic displays of Baby on Board window signs than ribbon magnets these days.

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We've all heard about pre-emptive war. Here's to pre-emptive bumper stickers:

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dack.com Taking it to the Next Level

In The Bag:

JUNYA WATANABE COMME DES GARCONS MAN dress pants, via YOOX.

March 1, 2007

Enough Already!

I love Dove and have used it forever, but someone, anyone, please stop them from making these ads. Take two steps out your front door and you see this kinda thing in public ... everywhere you turn; no need to see it while you're trying to enjoy a magazine.

February 28, 2007

Elastane and Costume National Homme - Like Sonny and Cher

Combine (a.) 4% elastane in a dress shirt (which I think might be the most important update to dress shirts in their entire history), (b.) Costume National Homme (which is near the top of my list of designers), and (c.) light pink, and what do you get? A dress shirt so kick ass you end up buying Yoox completely out of stock.

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Also In The Bag:

Flight 001 (pronounced "Flight One") makes some well-made, stylish, cheap laptop bags. And when they go on sale it's a no-brainer:

F-1 METRO AIRLINE, via Flight 001. $39.99 (on sale).

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And I Ain't Done Yet:

Now that this moose fucking hat is on sale, it's also In The Bag:

Moose love wool hat, via Jack Spade. $45.50 (on sale).

February 26, 2007

I Had to Choke Down My Own Vomit ... All Night Long

The last time I watched the Oscars was ... uh ... NEVER. But as part of my new gig I kinda have to, and it's even worse than I imagined. Have you ever witnessed a 4-hour long circle-jerk? It's just like that.

Anyhow, you may be wondering why there's a picture of George C. Scott on today's post. It's because he's my hero. He turned down two Oscars -- one for The Hustler and the other for Patton -- and summed up the whole nauseating spectacle the best: "The whole thing is a goddam meat parade. I don't want any part of it."

Me either man.

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Now here's something actually worth watching: Stabbing at Leia's 22nd Birthday

February 23, 2007

She likes my tone, my cologne, and the way I roll.

(I don't even wear cologne, I just needed to say that.)

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So Much For "The Long Tail"

While on vacation I finally got around to reading The Long Tail, and while I agree with about 80% of what Chris Anderson says (the 80-20 rule is alive and well buddy), it ain't here yet. Case in point: easily the best stand-up routine I've ever seen -- Eric Bogosian's Sex, Drugs, Rock & Roll -- and it's not available at amazon, Netflix, no-fucking-where besides from Eric Bogosian's personal assistant, Nikole. It's the best $10 you'll ever spend, but it's just wrong this isn't even really part of the tail.

February 21, 2007

Today the Times highlights the problems with "mag crews," those guys who come to your door trying to sell you magazines. Call me a fool ... OK, I'll call myself a fool ... but last summer a black guy with a strong rap and a pretty convincing hard-luck story talked me into a two-year subscription to Maxim (which I loathe but it was by far the cheapest option) and I'm *still* waiting for my first issue.

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I'm thinking the Great Flood was almost a good thing. Another benefit: finding old stuff you'd planned on posting to dack.com but never got around to.

I ran across a Communication Arts from 2002 (Jan/Feb issue) that features pioneering Flashturbater Hillman Curtis (who really had no use for the Flash is Evil article), talking about his work on adobe.com:

Look at the global navigation! We got it down to four ASCII text words. It's one of the most beautiful things we've ever done.

I know it's 5 years late, but good on ya, mate for eventually getting it.

February 19, 2007

Yet another benefit of the Great Flood: finding dack.com original documents. I unearthed the original legal pad lists for the Bullshit Generator, made on Miami Beach in January 2000. There was still *sand* on this stuff. It's a microscopic piece of internet history ... kinda like Da Vinci's sketchbook, except for bullshit.

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Critics Don't Matter

Why would you bother screening a movie for critics when it seems to have an inverse relationship to its box office prospects? Critics (and anyone with two eyes) hated Norbit and it did $34M last weekend. They hated Ghost Rider only slightly less and had the biggest weekend of the year: $44.5M.

Favorite critic quote, from the increasingly impressive Kyle Smith:

...when Ghost Rider gets fully fired up, his look doesn't so much say "hell's envoy" as "Duraflame" or maybe "sterno from my tenth grade French Club fondue night."

February 15, 2007

We have a winner in the Little Miss Sunshine contest from earlier this week: Richard Warzecha.

Toni Collette

=

Frazzled "trying to keep a dysfunctional family together" mom Marge Simpson.

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One of the (very small) benefits of the Great Flood of 2007 is in cleaning the mess up I found some gems I'd forgotten about. My first son at his first birthday party. I love you man!

February 14, 2007

I never planned on being a parent so this comment is slightly ironic, but I'm increasingly appalled by some parents' behavior at their kids' events. At swimming lessons, soccer games, and hockey practice, I see parents jabbering on cell phones, hammering away on Blackberries, listening to their IPod, reading books. Put that stuff down and pay attention to your kid! Last Saturday I sat next to a dad who had his head buried in the goddamn New York Times while his son was playing a soccer game only feet away. His kid was an awful soccer player with no athletic ability beyond burying his finger up his nose, but still. C'mon!

February 13, 2007

I know it didn't get very good reviews, but you've got to love any movie that's called Fuck. It's one of my favorite words, right up there with "douchebag" and "cocksucker." (Out on DVD today.)

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Classic. Pace Says No Evidence Iran Arming Iraq. Fellas, get your story straight.

February 12, 2007

Little Miss Piece of Doggie Doo

dack.com movie rating (0-10): 1

Geez is Little Miss Sunshine awful. It's not really even a movie; it's more of a meta-movie, taking characters, plotlines, scenes, and even vehicles from 1/2 a dozen other, better films and throwing them in a blender, set to "lite quirky", and viola! I'm not sure what's the worst abomination: this garbage being nominated for Best Picture or Crash winning last year.

Very early on my interest was flagging and it was a lot more fun figuring out where the characters were pilfered from by screenwriter Michael Arndt:

Abigail Breslin	=	Fellow dancer Napoleon Dynamite's sister (in an unconvincing fat suit).
Greg Kinnear	=	Pitchman Jerry Lundegaard from Fargo (1996)
Steve Carell	=	Suicidal tennis star Richie Tenenbaum (Luke Wilson) from The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
Paul Dano	=	Duane Hall, the mute-ish, mentally unstable brother (Christopher Walken) of Annie Hall, in Annie Hall (1977)
Alan Arkin	=	Bishop Pickering (Henry Wilcoxon), after he gets hit by lightning in Caddyshack (1980)
VW Bus	=	Family Truckster, from National Lampoon's Vacation (1980)
The only one I couldn't figure out was the Toni Collette character, but that's probably because she was the most generic, frazzled-woman-trying-to-keep-a-family-together archetype. Can you help out? Send me a note. Winner will be sent a dack.com t-shirt.
Toni Collette	=	???

February 7, 2007

Worst Vacation Ever

Just returned from a week in Sanibel, FL, and boy am I glad it's over:

• 2 days of sun, 4 days of clouds
• Still managed to get a sunburn
• Wife to urgent care for strep throat and pink eye
• Freezing cold Minneapolis weather froze a pipe. Pipe burst and flooded our basement.

To top it off, the best picture we got was of my 3 year-old's back, taken by my 5 year-old.

Anyhow, now that I'm back home -- just like Ted Haggard -- I feel like Jesus is starting to put me back together.

February 5, 2007

The Brilliance of Mike Judge

In Mike Judge's Idiocracy -- set 500 years into the future -- Starbucks turn into sex shops. We still have 499 years to go and already there's T&A being served with espresso in the Seattle suburbs.

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Did anyone -- including even the most self-deluded Bears fan -- really think it was possible to win a Super Bowl with Rex Grossman as your quarterback? Didn't happen. Won't ever happen.

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"Clusterfuck" is a kind word for what Iraq is turning out to be. Even the authors of Shrub's idiotic, Hail Mary escalation plan don't think it will work, and the war, besides killing a whole bunch of people, has created a massive refugee problem:

As the fourth year of war nears its end, the Middle East's largest refugee crisis since the Palestinian exodus from Israel in 1948 is unfolding in a climate of fear, persecution and tragedy.

By the way, the Washington Post's article yesterday about "No 'I Told-You-Sos'" on Iraq is complete bullshit. How can you have the insight and guts to stand up the to the stampede to war in Q1 2003 -- and let's be honest and remember it was a friggin' Running of the Bulls-style stampede -- take all sorts of abuse from self-proclaimed patriots and the 101st Keyboard Brigade, and not feel vindicated?

February 2, 2007

I realize I'm a day late (at least) on this, but RIP Molly Ivins, the smart, sassy Texan who coined the nickname "Shrub" for Shrub; more piercingly accurate than anything the Nicknamer-in-Chief has ever come up with (in a single syllable, too).

(Hat tip: s0yb0mb)

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7 86-ed.

I've thought 7 for all mankind has been on the outs for months, and now it's official, with their combining of out jeans with out skulls to make totally out skull jeans, which Neiman Marcus describes as having "this season's hip skull detail." Riiight.

February 1, 2007

Now I know why they call Ft. Myers "Heaven's Waiting Room." I think the woman who sat next to me on the plane might've actually been dead.

January 31, 2007

Too Much of an OK Thing?

I've always been perplexed by Yahoo's use of dropdowns next to people's names in their news stories. Have you ever interacted with one of these for any other reason than curiosity? I thought so. And they hurt the hell out of readability. Which is more readable?

vs.

January 30, 2007

Winter Getaway

Picked the perfect time to get the hell out of Dodge:

(Wondering yet again why we live here....)

January 29, 2007

A buddy with some great connections at Xcel scored a pair of tix for Justin Timberlake on Saturday night. When I tried to find someone to go with, my "friends" either a.) had other plans, or b.) heaped scorn and ridicule upon me for even asking; and there was much more of the latter.

In lieu of actually attending the event (which got a sort of so-so review by the Strib), I spent $4.99 on a Madonna vs. JT mashup (Holiday Love) from Crooklyn Clan that'll make any floor move.

January 26, 2007

I may have spoken too soon on Smokin' Aces. From the man, A. O. Scott:

Watching it is like being smacked in the face for a hundred minutes with a raw sirloin steak. By the end, there's blood everywhere, a bad smell lingering in the air, and vegetarianism -- or starvation or blindness -- starts to look like an attractive option.

January 25, 2007

Add This One to the Watch List

I'm usually not that big a fan of derivative Tarantino, but the Rolling Stone's Peter Travers is making me want to watch. Cuz I'm a guy.

Best consumed with pizza and lots of brewskis, Joe Carnahan's "Smokin' Aces" is shamelessly and unapologetically a guy movie. It's lewd, crude and loaded with shootouts and hot lesbo action. It's also made up of spare parts, as if Quentin Tarantino's pulp and Danny Boyle's "Trainspotting" cool were being welded by -- yikes! -- Guy Ritchie, swept away from the arduous duty of directing his Madonna wife and going bug-fuck like he did in "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels." The result is hardly original, or groundbreaking, or even necessary, but it sure as hell gets the job done.

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January 24, 2007

Coolest Graphic

Kudos to the Times for demonstrating superior use of of Flash in their State of the Union Word Analyzer. I love how you can interact with bullshit, like this from Shrub's 2003 speech:

From three Iraqi defectors we know that Iraq, in the late 1990s, had several biological weapons labs. These are designed to produce germ warfare agents, and can be moved from place to place to evade inspectors. Saddam Hussein has not disclosed these facilities. He has given no evidence that he destroyed them.

Remember that shit? In hindsight, I'm just wondering... how the fuck did most Americans get conned into thinking invading Iraq was a good idea? Just check any jingoism and emotion at the door, think rationally, look at the facts, and you could see it was a crazy-ass stupid idea right from the get-go.

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If dack.com Launched a Clothing Line It Would Look Like Theory

In the Bag:

Theory stone canvas "Carson Trigger" jacket, via bluefly. $159.29. (This is a helluva deal for a very, very cool jacket. I own one and it's pure theory.)

January 23, 2007

And the Winner Is... Either:

	6.7 /10 Showtimes near you
	8.3 Showtimes
	8.5 Showtimes
	8.4 Showtimes
	7.4 Showtimes

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A Shocker

Scant evidence found of Iran-Iraq arms link

...even here, evidence of Iranian involvement in Iraq's troubles is limited. U.S. troops have found mortars and antitank mines with Iranian markings dated 2006, said U.S. Army Col. David W. Sutherland, who oversees the province. But there has been little sign of more advanced weaponry crossing the border, and no Iranian agents have been found.

January 22, 2007

Shrub's popularity might be down, but his Extreme Schadenfreude value is way, way up.

The president will use his speech [SOTU] to try to rally public opinion behind his troop deployment plan, but during the past 10 days he has made no headway in changing public opinion. The Post-ABC poll shows that 65 percent of Americans oppose sending more troops to Iraq, compared to 61 percent who opposed the plan when the president unveiled it Jan. 10 in a nationally televised address.

Big bombing in Baghdad today and 27 Americans killed over the weekend ain't gonna help.

January 18, 2007

Children of Men

dack.com movie rating (0-10): 6

I haven't seen a vision of the future as bleak as Alfonso Cuaron's since last Sunday, when I saw the excellent Idiocracy (now on DVD), where morons run the country (big stretch) and they water their crops with Gatorade.

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Again With the Skin

Here's a still from the upcoming Blades of Glory trailer, starring Will Ferrell and Jon Heder as figure skaters who find a loophole to compete in pairs competition. I'm just wondering ... when was the last time a shirtless Will Ferrell was funny? Old School, maybe?

Watch the trailer here.

January 15, 2007

Welcome to Loserville, Population: Marty Schottenheimer

Top 12 reasons Marty Schottenheimer will never, ever win the Big Game:

• 12. 1985 Cleveland Browns - AFC Divisional Playoff: lost 21 - 24 at Miami Dolphins
• 11. 1986 Cleveland Browns - AFC Championship Game: lost 20 - 23 vs. Denver Broncos
• 10. 1987 Cleveland Browns - AFC Championship Game: lost 33 - 38 at Denver Broncos
• 9. 1988 Cleveland Browns - AFC Wildcard Game: lost 23 - 24 vs. Houston Oilers
• 8. 1990 Kansas City Chiefs - AFC Wildcard Game: lost 16 - 17 at Miami Dolphins
• 7. 1991 Kansas City Chiefs - AFC Divisional Playoff: lost 14 - 37 at Buffalo Bills
• 6. 1992 Kansas City Chiefs - AFC Wildcard Game: lost 0 - 17 at San Diego Chargers
• 5. 1993 Kansas City Chiefs - AFC Championship Game: lost 13 - 30 at Buffalo Bills
• 4. 1995 Kansas City Chiefs - AFC Divisional Playoff: lost 7 - 10 vs. Indianapolis Colts
• 3. 1997 Kansas City Chiefs - AFC Divisional Playoff: lost 10 - 14 vs. Denver Broncos
• 2. 2004 San Diego Chargers - AFC Wildcard Game: lost 17 - 20 vs. New York Jets
• 1. 2006 San Diego Chargers - AFC Divisional Playoff: lost 21 - 24 vs. New England Patriots

January 11, 2007

In the Bag:

Navy Nylon Puffy Jacket With Raccoon Trim, via Barney's Co-Op. $149 (on sale). (No link because I got the last one. Ha!)

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Shrub last night:

We carefully considered these proposals. And we concluded that to step back now would force a collapse of the Iraqi government, tear the country apart, and result in mass killings on an unimaginable scale.

Good thing that's not happening now!

January 10, 2007

Many thanks to Ben Edwards and Chuck Olson, who helped promote my latest short film, Cube Farm Samurai. It combines three of my favorite themes: (1) Poor etiquette, (2) rude assholes who deserve to have their heads removed, and (3) decapitation. Thanks to them it's been seen at youtube almost 6000 times, with some generally positive feedback.

Here it is:

Visit the YouTube detail page to rate or comment on it.

January 8, 2007

Sam Jackson tellin' it like it is:

Samuel L. Jackson "Say 'Blogosphere' Again" t-shirt, via coolestshop. $35.

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Say "painting schools" again! Is this some kind of motherfucking joke? For four years we've been hearing about painting schools in Iraq, and now the plan is to hire Iraqis to paint them some more? They might not have electricity, but these Iraqi schools must have 20 fucking coats of paint on them.

January 5, 2007

Finally Recovering From My Wii Injuries

Yep, that's Mii pictured to your left. I can honestly say I've had more fun with the Wii than my 5-year-old son. And I can kick his ass at tennis.

Tennis is the clear favorite, followed distantly by bowling, golf, baseball, and then boxing. Boxing is just too much damn work. I seriously think tennis might be helping my backhand and volley. The best thing about bowling is you don't have to stick your fingers into that disgusting real-world ball.

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January 4, 2007

What a Joke!

Thanks to LSU for exposing the absurdity, the travesty, the miscarriage of justice it was for Notre Dame to be playing in a BCS bowl game.

Overrated team, overrated coach, overrated quarterback. Stick to playing Army, Navy, Air Force, and try scheduling the Marines. Leave LSU for the big boys.